So as promised the mushy and touchy feely blog post about how I got here! I was busy yesterday and I have been avoiding it because it’s a tough post to write. Then I decided what was really needed was page dedicated to chronicling my weight history, and then I’d do the emotional stuff separately.
Like I said retrospectively I was a normal sized child, I just felt big! I think a lot of my weight issues originally stem from my Mum. From an early age I can remember my Mum fussing over her weight. She’d put on weight, she had a stomach ect ect. I realise that this is normal (I’m not saying its a good thing but lots of women do it) but even as a child I knew that my mum was tiny. She’s a petite woman, 5ft 3” and small framed, she had tiny “pouch” as she calls it, the result of having 2 children. But she has always been slim (to put this in perspective she had put on a little weight in her 40’s and has been trying to lose it in the past few years, she’s not at her goal yet and she’s 8st 8 or 120lbs). Like I said I was a normal sized child but I wasn’t small framed (I take after my Dad’s side of the family) and I just knew I would never be as small as her. At the same time like many children I had to clear my plate, even if I didn’t want any more, if we didn’t do it voluntarily we would be force fed.
When I got to 6th form I used this freedom to eat, to have the chocolate when I fancied it and without feeling guilty, and I think this is when I started to use food as an emotional crutch to help me cope with the stress. I hid this eating from my parents, at home food wasn’t just food, it was loaded, and my Mum started going on about my weight. I tried various diets but when they didn’t work over-night I’d give up. Part of me liked the extra weight, because I have always been very top heavy and I was getting male attention when in high school that made me un-comfortable with the extra weight I looked more in-proportion and I stopped getting harassed in the street.
My mum pushed me about my weight a lot, I know she was trying to help but sadly I’m ridiculously stubborn and the more she pushed the more I would eat. I never had a rebellious few years where I drank or partied, I was a good student, I didn’t drink, didn’t go to wild parties, I guess eating and not dieting was a way for me to rebel. And once you get into the habit of using food to fill emotional cracks it’s a very hard habit to break. So although my parents may have started me on this path I’m the one who continued to hurtle along it at an alarming speed. My weight is something I’ve done to myself and I need to take responsibility for the years of abuse. I know I emotionally eat, and eat when I’m stressed and these are MY habits to break. I can’t do this for anyone else but me. And I think that’s what’s different this time. I’m not doing this for anyone but me. And the emotional side of things, well I’m starting this not in a quiet period but in the midst of a very stressful time and I’m slowly breaking those habits. And I’m trying to form new ones, when I feel over-whelmed I try to push myself to go for a run. It’s a slow process but I’m getting there.