Saturday, 24 August 2013

self-sabotage?


My parents are going to be away for a while. I am super excited by this. I love my parents but I haven’t lived at home for 8 years and its been an adjustment, sometimes it’s nice to have complete control of the TV! Anyway I binged last night after they left. I was only supposed to go to the local shop for milk, but when I was there I bought 4 rolo yoghurts because I saw they were on offer, and a bag of giant chocolate buttons. I got home and I ate them all. One after the other. And I wasn’t even hungry. And I definitely didn’t enjoy the chocolate as much as I often do. But that didn’t seem to matter..... it was almost a compulsion to eat it all. I know other bloggers talk about binging and the guilt it brings. But that’s the thing, I don’t feel guilty, I know objectively I shouldn’t of done it, but I don’t feel bad. The thing that’s really bothering me is I don’t know why I did it. Normally when I do something like that there’s a specific trigger, normally emotional, but there isn’t anything that happened yesterday that I can identify that caused it. Sure I’m generally stressed and emotional over work at the moment but nothing out of the ordinary happened yesterday. Which makes me wonder whether I’m sabotaging myself? I feel as though I’m sabotaging myself with my thesis and now with my diet, and I don’t know why. The work thing is a little easier to decipher, these past few years have been so traumatic I just want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. The weight loss thing though I don’t get, I want to be healthy, I’d like to not hate every photo of me and I really want to be fit and healthy, I just don’t get why I’m doing this to myself.

And then today because I blew it yesterday, didn’t make the wisest lunch decisions either, because when I’d blown it in such a monumental way last night what did it matter what I ate today? But enough is enough. I know where that road leads, in a few months I’d be right back where I started, hating myself for giving up and letting myself get back to that place again. So tomorrow is a new day, to start afresh, and make the better choices that deep down I want to be making.

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